The Great Game 🎲 Kollarum

Lingua Franca 2

Farenn knew that his poetic words would strike a chord in the Blue Dreamers and in the floating legions of Octave Sliders who moved from one nebula to the next in the Pink Sea. Yet he also knew that the sharp glances of the Tarnese were directed his way. Not to mention the skeptical leer of the Frozen Skiffers. What he feared most, however, was the icy disdain of the Demon Priests, for whom unity was just another word for tyranny. And yet it was essential to win over the Demon Priests. Where they went, the high ministers of the Black Pulse would follow. So he had no choice but to talk about discord, chaos, alienation, and freedom.

“The disconnectedness of Earth also makes it a perfect candidate from which to choose a lingua franca. It’s because Earth is so disconnected from the rest of the Kraslika, and because it’s so backward in its ability to communicate with other worlds, that it remains impartial toward any one Kraslikan species. Gral’s recommendation that we choose a language from Earth makes sense precisely because humans have no idea that there is such a thing as the Kraslika.”

Farenn paused, and turned toward the obscure yet familiar banks of the Fallarian ministers, the Discordian Press, and the Demon Priests. Very slowly, and with a slightly menacing growl in the lower registers of his voice, he said, “For all those who relish competition and struggle, choosing a human language means that we start off on an even playing field. When we hit our mark, it’s not some translated mark, some approximate thing. It’s the thing itself. And no one has handed us this thing. Victory without struggle, without a fair fight, is meaningless.” Farenn waited several moments to let this Fallarian truth sink in before launching into his main argument.

Turning back to the main audience, he began in earnest: “Now of course the question arises, Which language? I’ll go over some of the possible choices, concluding with the language I think most appropriate.”

“First of all, the language we choose ought to come from the Indo-European group of languages. These are by far the most widespread on Earth. 46% of the world’s population use a language from this group as their first language, and many of the world’s lingua francas and second-languages belong to this group — especially English, Hindi, Russian, Spanish, French, and Portuguese. Farenn touched a light on the lectern and pointed to the gigantic blue map above him.

“We see here the Indo-European majority languages in dark blue, and the Indo-European official languages in light blue. The global range of this language group becomes even more obvious when we add the use of Danish in Greenland (the grey island at top centre), French in North-west Africa (the grey in the centre), and English for business, tourism, and education on the eastern and southern fringes of East Asia (in grey on the right).”

“Among the Indo-European languages, Spanish is an obvious choice because of its wide usage and because its written and spoken versions are more or less identical. Unfortunately, it shares 90% of its vocabulary and 93% of its syntax with the Andale Galaxies in the Copper Tarn. Likewise, Italian won’t work, since it’s almost word for word the same as Vicinese. German is out of the question, since it’s far too close to the dialect spoken in Fallar Discordia. French is 80% identical to standardized Poupon in the Grey Phantom. Portuguese is very close to the dialects of the Armada Constellation in the Green Buzz. Likewise, Russian is 78% interchangeable with the Kivar Cluster in the Frozen Skiff. As we know, almost every major language on Earth has some close parallel with a language somewhere in the Kraslika. Every major language, that is, except for English.”

“As far as mongrel tongues go, English is barking mad.” Farenn paused here, to allow anyone puzzled by the reference to check the footnote he threw up on the screen behind him, and onto the sextillion screens in other galaxies. “English has the rough sounds of Fallarian and the smooth sounds of Vicinese. Based in the Northern European languages, English gets much of its vocabulary from German tribes (the Angles, Saxons, and Jutes) who took over England in the 5th and 6th centuries, and from the Danes and other Scandinavians who settled in England in the 9th and 10th Centuries. English also has deep roots in the more sophisticated South European cultures: the Roman Empire, the Latin Church, the Italian Renaissance, and the French Enlightenment — all of which borrowed heavily from the Greeks. The French influence is particularly striking, and comes largely from the fact that England was controlled by French-speaking Normans for about three centuries after their successful invasion of 1066.”

“English also borrows freely from all languages of the world. Unlike German, it doesn’t make other languages its own; rather, it imports the words from other languages in more or less their original form. In the realm of mongrels, English will eat anything thrown onto its plate.”

“Like German, English is highly irregular. Yet unlike German, this irregularity isn’t accompanied with complex patterns of grammatical case. Rather, the irregularity is limited to vocabulary and pronunciation. As a result, it requires considerable exposure to get it right. This may seem a hindrance, and indeed it is to many populations on Earth. Yet to Kraslikans who want to make a deeper connection with Earth, it’s also a helpful thing. It’s an entry point, a way in. Exploring the language isn’t so much to see how complex rules work or don’t work, but rather to see how words come from odd sources and histories. This pushes the student into the etymological dimensions of human languages, and hence into an understanding of some of the peoples and histories of the planet.”

“I have five other reasons why English is the best choice for a lingua franca. These have to do with rules, literature, technology, power, and status.”

There was one thing Farenn didn’t make clear, yet was obvious to every Fallarian and Vicinese in the audience: every point on his list was a topic dear to the icy hearts of the Demon Priests, who were essential to any successful agreement. The Vicinese on the other hand were already unanimous in their support for English. They knew that their own language was far too close to Italian for it to be acceptable, but they also knew that English speakers loved Italian. The Vicinese saw English as a sort of gateway drug, one that might have come from the Germanic tribes but was irresistibly attracted to the beauties of Florence and Rome.

There was a metaphor that had been making its rounds in the upper circles of a Vicinese class called the Golden Peakers. The Peakers saw English as a giant tree whose roots lay in the Germanic languages. Beneath the ground, the worms and bacteria fought it out among themselves, rendering the roots tough, pliable, and full of energy. Above ground the trunk grew and the English nation asserted itself. The language grew sturdy with Chaucer and Shakespeare, drawing its light from the southern realms of Beauty and Truth. According to the Golden Peakers, it had been Spring in England ever since French and Latin fell like sunlight upon the leaves, ever since the sweet fragrance of Petrarch and Dante swept over the verses of Spencer and Donne. In its rebirth, the English tree transformed itself completely, from struggling in the dirt with worms to floating in the breeze. It had gone from mutely gnawing at its own roots to warbling with the full-throated ease of Keats’ nightingale. From its perch on the top branch, it looked upward to a Golden Hill far away in the Vicinese universe of Light.

This is how the Vicinese saw English, with Italian far above, and with Níðhöggr the Snake gnawing at its roots:

The Golden Peakers were very fond of extended metaphors, and many were obsessed by the symbology of cardinal directions. Living at the very nordern end of the Kraslika, it vexed them that Italy wasn’t north of England, and that Germany wasn’t south. Golden Peakers reminded everyone they bumped into that the so-called ‘north pole’ on Earth was completely arbitrary. They stopped passersby from going into shops, and made them look at maps they drew, on which Italy was located in the serene air north of England, while Germany lay swamp-like to the south. This was at least better than some of their other suggestions, which involved altering the composition of the soil, teaching the worms poetic meter, banning compound words, and eradicating bacteria that shortened words or made sentences sound like paper shredders.

The tree metaphor was exceptionally egotistical and self-serving, even for the Vicinese. Sometimes Farenn thought of the Vicinese as children, with their little golden hill and their dreams of cosmic singalongs. But he had also got to know Talfar and Thalphemera, and so he knew that not all of them were rarified idiots. Still, Farenn never forgot their silly tree metaphor, for it reminded him that he didn’t need to convince the Vicinese about English. He didn’t even need to glance in the direction of their jaunty ministers, high-minded scholars, and cloud-sketching poets. The Fallarian ministers and the Demon Priests were the real objects of his rhetoric.

In listing his five points, Farenn started with a point that would make the Fallarians sit up straight in their seats. “First of all, English is notable for its lack of rules and regulations.” He turned slowly and deliberately toward the Fallarian bank as he pronounced the last five words. These words were music to the ears of the Demon Priests. Lack of rules and regulations. Fallarians even had a word for lack of rules and regulation in writing: Diegrösstefreiheitdieeinschreibendergeistertragen, which translated loosely as the greatest freedom that the written spirit can endure.

“Its closest global cousin, French, on the other hand, is rife with snobbish prejudice.” Here Farenn adopted a superior tone, whether to imitate or to mock the French, it wasn’t clear (he was playing to both the Vicinese and the Fallarians, and he could count on both to appreciate the mocking tone). “The French people even have an institution, the sacred Académie Française, to govern the language itself. And in the Canadian province of Quebec they have laws restricting the use of languages other than French.”

Farenn turned quickly to the Fallarian bank. As he knew it would, it receded en masse, each Fallarian pushing his back further into his seat with shock and disgust. Farenn suppressed a smile at the predictability of it all.

He saw Knifestream take out a little notebook, which he called his little gruselgeschichte. In it he wrote, “Französisch. Schrecklich repressiv. Entsetzlich. A horror-world of repression. Find out how they do it!”

Now that the Fallarians were pressed deep into their seats with disdainful condescension, Farenn decided to pour it on thick. “In comparison to French, English is a no-man’s land of lawlessness. To borrow an English phrase, it’s a linguistic Wild Wild West, a Wilder Wilder Westen, because its amorphous lexicon escapes the regulating powers of the big centres. Even in the largest cities dialects and slang sprout all over the place. Riot and rebellion in its purest linguistic form. And yet the English-speaking peoples see this as a richness, as a profusion of possibilities. It’s partly why the language continues to spread, taking over the world, one language realm after the next. Einer nach dem anderen. Reich after reich.”

The Fallarian bank was now breathing easily in the air of the Great Hall, with the sense that everything was right with the cosmos. They smelled opium and musk, oak-moss and amber. Farenn could now safely work in some lighter points, so as to bring in the Panophiliacs and Pink Floaters, the Blue Dreamers and Crimson Stalkers.

“My second point is that the English people have written some of the greatest and most popular literature on Earth. Shakespeare is the most obvious example. Yet there are others before him, like the 14th Century Chaucer, and many after as well.” Farenn knew that this talk about poetry would please some species, but would put off the more practical ones, and would appear noxious to the Demon Priests. So he reminded them of Níðhöggr gnawing at its roots. “Even before Chaucer, the roots of English go deep into the rougher languages that resemble Fallarian. English soars to idealistic heights and dives to harrowing depths, mixing harmony and dissonance, from the sonnets of Spencer and Shakespeare to the ghastly gulphs of Milton’s inferno. In Milton’s masterpiece Paradise Lost you can see both the pinnacle of organized society and the wonderful grinding cacophony that’s music to the ears of the Drakmeisters of Fallar Discordia. We must of course add to this that the Modern English world is deeply influenced by the dramatic follies and triumphs of Hollywood, which may not be literary, but are certainly global hits in the field of Drama.”

“Thirdly, in terms of technology and science English comes from a culture that has been at the forefront of some of the most important human discoveries of the last 500 years. England was the first nation to undergo an industrial revolution. English philologists linked the European and Indian languages, as articulated by Sir William Jones — the Youns Uksfardi who Gral alludes to in the title of his Visit. They also deciphered the lost languages of the most early and important civilizations of the Mesopotamian region. Finally, to crown it off, in the 19th and 20th centuries England was home to key discoveries in both evolution and genetics.” Nodding his head only slightly in the direction of the Demon Priests, he added, “This leadership in technology has allowed the English peoples to conquer, manipulate, and extract resources from all over the world. English speakers call it free market competition, and assume that those who have the most updated technology will gain the most from their business.” The eyes of the Fallarian high ministers lit up like red lighthouses in a heavy storm.

“The fourth point has to do with power and with the notion of global domination.” Farenn knew that literature and technology would win over the Blue Dreamers and the Pink Sea Breezers, but he also knew that power was what interested the Sooderners. It was, in the end, what really mattered to the Demon Priests and the high ministers of Fallar Discordia. “For the last 300 years the two most powerful nations on Earth were English-speaking: England and the United States.” At the mention of the most powerful on Earth, Farenn saw the crimson eyes of the Fallarian ministers light up even brighter. He could imagine those red lights guiding the ships, laden with stolen gold, into the harbours of Southhampton and Cádiz. The crimson lights burnished in little clouds of smoky grey. He saw that they were beginning to understand that the English were more similar to them than they imagined.

“In the world of espionage it’s better to have agents in every corner of a country, and at every strata of a society, than to have them all grouped closely together in the capital. Of course, they need to be near the centre of power, yet this is where they themselves can be surveilled, and this won’t help them to gather and filter information from every corner of the planet. This principle works in language as well: the more spread out a language is, the more it penetrates societies and the more it becomes a medium of understanding about societies. For instance, on Earth the Chinese have spies in every corner of the world, but their numbers (outside of East Asia) are relatively small and their language isn’t part of the countries they surveille. It’s not just that the Chinese have relatively few spies in the outlying regions, but also that so few people in these regions speak Chinese. Little of course do the Chinese know that even among the Chinese spies there are spies from other worlds that the Central committee in Beijing has no clue about. But that’s an issue for a different forum. Here, my point is simply that because English is spoken by a wide range of people at different levels of different societies, and because English isn’t under the exclusive control of one people alone, it makes for a very effective global language.”

“My fifth and final point has to do with the present status of English in the Kraslika itself. English is already an enormously popular language throughout the Kraslika. Due to its present de facto status as the world’s lingua franca, it has been studied and appreciated by all Kraslikans who have an interest in the famed Local Void, which of course lies near Earth and is the legendary home of the Soul Star. English poets have sung the virtues of this nearby Star without even knowing where it is. As the greatest of English poets, William Shakespeare, wrote four hundred years ago, It is a star to every wandering ship, whose worth is unknown although its general whereabouts can be measured. Even as I paraphrase this line to make it more clear, I mangle the beauty of the original. This is, of course, the problem with all translations, and the reason why we need a direct link to language rather than the exceptionally efficient yet divisive medium of a translator. In the original, Shakespeare writes, It is a star to every wandering bark, / Whose worth’s unknown although his height be taken. In this couplet we have several arguments at once: we see the need to connect with the beauty and idiosyncrasy of languages rather than with translations; we see the beauty of the English language in particular, especially as evidenced in its poets; finally, we see that the core of our pre-occupation to find the Soul Star — and by extension to find meaning and perhaps eternity itself — lies within the cultural and philosophical preoccupations of the English language.”

“In closing I would say that since English is the lingua franca of Earth, and since we have decided to choose a lingua franca from among Earth’s languages, it makes sense to choose English as our lingua franca.”

🎲

Quizzling was very pleased to hear the famous scholar Farenn make such a convincing argument for English. His joy didn’t derive so much from a desire for intergalactic harmony (that was a given among the Fairy Blue Dreamers), as it did from a desire to get more information about the English world in which his idol, Farokh Bulsara, lived. Why was Farokh’s adopted last name Mercury? Was this mercury the element or the planet? If it was the element, was it rising or falling? If it was the planet, what did it have to do with Venus, Earth, or Mars? Was it symbolic of proximity to the fiery power of the sun? He had read that humans believed females were from Venus and males from Mars, but he didn’t understand how that could be true. The more he learned about Earth, the more he was puzzled.

Did Farokh’s adopted last name have something to do with the struggle between male and female, between the son and daughter within him? Did it have anything to do with the fleet-footed messenger god of the Greeks and Romans? If so, what was the message? He knew that Mercury was also Hermes, that Hermes could move between the world of gods and humans, and that he could guide the human soul. There was also something about the Greek word phallos, whatever that was.

Could any of this be connected to the Persian gods that Farokh’s family must have believed in once upon a time — the sun-god Mithra, the good Ahura Mazda, and the evil Angra Mainyu? Quizzling was fascinated by the mythical dichotomies of good and evil that haunted the human soul. He read that the Ancient Persians worshipped fire and that they believed Good and Evil would eventually be reconciled.

Quizzling also thought about humans as Farenn had described them, blind as bats and singing about a star they couldn’t see. Quizzling imagined them as blind moles digging into the earth so that they could get at something. But all they could grab between their fingers was dirt. And yet some humans were like glorious angels who blasted out of the underworld and sang Bohemian rhapsodies to the sun.

Oh, the agony and the ecstasy! But mostly the agony. How these earthlings suffered! They fought each other tooth and nail when they could have got twice as much if they just cooperated with each other. But what a wondrous struggle! What epic poetry it created!

As soon as Farenn finished his speech, Quizzling booked a seat on an inter-galactic freighter headed for the Violet Hoop. Although Quizzling had never really suffered in his life, he thought it might be fun to give it a try.

🎲

After a week of haggling and debating, the Assembly voted on Farenn’s proposal. Their vote for English was unanimous. And all of this was done without anyone acknowledging that half of Earth’s population was already alien.

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Next: 🧚 Seduction

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