The Carrot
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For most of my life I’ve been an observer, sitting like a carrot in the ground or reclining on a beach with a margarita in my hand. Or, I teach Orwell and Graham Greene to my students, yet never think of getting anywhere near a war-zone. And yet I suspect that I’m like many people, in that beneath the reasonable exterior is a revolutionary impulse — except of course here comes another margarita, and the sunrise is so beautiful on the waves that it quickens my pulse, and I tell myself that I can always get to politics later…
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But sometimes, it’s just impossible to stay silent. For me, the first time I ever went to a protest was when George Bush Jr. pretended there were WMDs in Iraq, despite the opposition of Hans Blix, the head of the United Nations Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission. Bush and his buddies Cheney and Rumsfeld felt that it would be a good idea to bomb Iraq into seeing reason — sort of like in Vietnam… So I went with my little poster to the protest, and wrote several parodic mock-articles, in the style of my vegetable in arms, The Onion.
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Nightmares of the Iraq War Variety
(from La Carotte Press, c. 2003)
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SHAZAAMASTAN DECLARED TERRORIST STATE
Cheney Responds By Firing Shots in All Directions
Reuters—Seattle DiP. A recent study, published in The Jackson Bugle, and widely quoted on FOX and CNN, found that the smalll nation of Shazaamastan has allied itself with the Taliban and Osama Bin Laden. 95 percent of those surveyed found that the President of Shazaamastan, Mullah Omar Muhammad al-Jihad has supported and continues to support, terrorist strikes across the border into northern Iraq.
The finding has greatly disturbed White House policy-makers because Shazaamastan, like Waziristan in Pakistan's North-West Frontier Province, is believed to contain a high percent of radical Muslim terrorists. Many respondents put the percentage as high as 100. Statistical analysis was, however, more divided (which is normal for a population encouraged to have their own independent views): 50% found Shazaamastanis to be Sunni, while 50% found them to be Shi'ite. Many respondents felt that Shazaamastanis are a divided people and that civil war is inevitable.
Exactly how the Shazaamastanis think, and why they prefer their own harsh way of life to the superior concepts of democracy and freedom, remained a puzzle to respondents, as it did to White House analysts. This uncertainty, referred to as "factor SHZ" in the study, was quoted by over 60% of those polled as being the main reason the administration was forced to resort to carpet bombing rather than endless and pointless UN verification procedures and red tape.
Overall, 10% of respondents were "somewhat opposed" to the policy of bombing before consultation, although three quarters of these conceded that "there was regrettably no other option." The other 90% suggested that the policy adopted toward the Japanese in 1945 would speed up the democratization process. Given Shazaamastan's purported proximity to Teheran, Donald Rumsfeld felt it remains imperative to decide quickly between these two options, reiterating that we don’t have time to debate this question endlessly, and that we should avoid the "endless and pointless UN verification procedures and red tape in order to ensure the safety of ordinary Americans."
The massive survey, considered accurate within 2-3 percentage points, presented a further problem to Washington strategists. First, the shadowy nature of the Shazaamastani hardline regime rendered it almost impossible to locate. Hidden in remote mountain valleys and caves, even the slightest evidence of training camps, madrasas, or shady bazaar transactions tended to vanish like blue smoke from Aladdin's lamp. The cowardly nature of the adversary won’t however deter the U.S. military from taking action. A hefty 97% of respondents agreed that in the absence of "superfluous data" one must pre-empt terrorist threats "to ensure the safety of ordinary Americans."
The survey, comprised of 50 questions distributed in over 40 states, is so thorough that it’s now considered factual by top Bush advisors, and will be used as a cornerstone in advancing key American interests in the region. Indeed, 98% of respondents said that despite uncertainty as to where Shazaamastanis are located, or where they came from, Congress is "strongly urged" to earmark another 75 billion dollars toward military spending. This, defence experts assure us, will go a long way in stopping the ancient terrorist state of Shazaamastan from destroying the very principles of free thought and inquiry upon which our way of life is built.
In a footnote to the study, 90% of respondents felt they knew as much (and 10% felt they knew more) than they needed to. The majority felt that it was no longer necessary to rely on old-fashioned sources of information, such as atlases or encyclopedias, now that they had more advanced and up-to-date sources such as FOX News, CNN, and the Internet. Chat rooms and evangelical blogs were preferred sources of information for 65% of respondents, while the remaining 35% preferred to have their opinions unencumbered by any information whatsoever.
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CANADA SEPARATES FROM NORTH AMERICA
George Bush Never to Shop in Tijuana Again
Toronto--DiP. Citing a long string of American abuses, Canada last Wednesday decided to build a 3,145 mile moat from Vancouver, British Columbia, to Saint Andrews, New Brunswick. "To hell with Free Trade!" cried newly-elected Prime Minister Jean Villepin, "It's time we showed the world we're not even on the same continent!"
Response from nearly-elected President George Bush was swift, if not coherent. "Those surrender-monkeying Canucks! They can ride their hot dog sleds up and down the Canadia-Mexicano border all they want. We're still the righteous defenders of liberty and freedom in the world. Death to all non-Christians! Praise the Lord!"
The situation has heated up considerably, although business leaders were quick to note that the heat has nothing to do with hydrocarbons or the Alberta Tar Sands.
Washington suspended all diplomatic ties with its northern neighbour after a series of high tonnage explosives loosened the earth along the 49th parallel early Sunday morning. The explosions created a 200-metre gap which was immediately filled with water rushing in from the Pacific and Atlantic oceans. Chinese business leaders were relieved that they could finally get their freighters from Shanghai to New York without having to worry about trucks and trains.
The cause of Prime Minister’s Villepin’s decision appeared to be the war in Iraq. University of Toronto political scientist Buddy Cockburn explained: "During the war against Vietnam, Canada just sat back with its mouth open in total disbelief. We figured that even a snotty-nosed orangutang would learn from that one. But no, next we had the Contras in Nicaragua, and now this charade in Iraq. Enough is enough!"
While road crews have been working 24-hour shifts constructing U-turns at the border, the continental separation process seems to be going without a hitch. At Toronto’s Strategic Operation Command Centre in East Richmond Emory Hill (SOCCER EH), liaison officer Amori Futballi explained that the first order of business is to redirect all trade from the diabolic Orange Bowl loving households in the south to the teepees, igloos and dilapidated shacks in the north. "Once we have paved over all the caribou tracks and forced the aboriginal population into compliance with our economic needs and soccer schedules, we will extend our highways right across the North Pole, trade directly with the football-playing nations of Europe, and forget all about the NFL."
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